liberation. freedom at its best

2007-02-20T08:13:00.001-08:00

work comes first remember! (:

2007-02-18T08:03:00.000-08:00

A is for how much I ADORE you
R is how much I RELISH you
I is how INFATUATED I am with you
E is how much I ENJOY spending time thinking about you
L is just plain LOVE
L is how LOVABLE you are when you smile
A is the starting letter of the most beautiful person on earth (:

i just had to blog. because even though i know its forbidden, my heart tore again. it was not anyone's fault really. its mine.

i know that its hard for you. and i understand. but. yeah. it still feels empty no matter what the mind tells the heart.

and there go the tears again. i wish i wasn't THAT emotional everytime it comes to this.

because. yes i love you.

and true love withstands all hurt

2007-01-31T08:01:00.000-08:00

its funny.

i never meant to type another post here. because i thought i had moved on. and moved on WITH YOU (:

but its funny.

its a wonder how you can still tear my heart to peices and make me feel so lonely. even if we're together.

its funny

how you can make my chest empty, as if my soul just disintegrated, without even emptying it. and no matter how sometimes i try to be understanding, its difficult.

its funny

how i'm so lost when i'm with you. i just lose all my confidence. and you break me down so easily. my thoughts go astray when i think of you. and how i wish it would be better.

its funny

that in the end. i still love you for who you are. and not who i want you to be.

because its my fault

2007-01-20T16:09:00.000-08:00

Its really sad to lose a friend.

One that made me happy and one that I talked a lot of crap to.

One that used to ask me about RG golf (:

And one that always shot like 50m longer than me NO MATTER THE CLUB

One that always made us smile after a hard day's of work

One that didn't book me when i was late

We sang out hearts out that afternoon.

But i promise i'll never forget a friendship like yours.

Zou Long! HAVE FUN and stay cool.

2007-01-16T12:49:00.000-08:00

i know theres something more to it.

there is no reason for you to do all the things you've done.

dammit. the only problem i cannot solve.

i feel like an idiot now.

and when people look at me, they know i've failed.

i just need to know whats going on.

help.

2007-01-14T23:05:00.000-08:00

“In the night, whenever I want you,
All I have to do ..
Is dream.”

I’m afraid to go to sleep everynight.

Because when I go to do.

I enter a dream world.

Where I see you and I spend time with you.

And I hold you tight and never let go.

Where are fingers are intertwined,

And the whole world doesn’t matter anymore,

Because the both of us are together.

And I never want to it to end.

I always assume its real

And when I wake up,

I feel a sense of emptiness in me.

Because I know it would never happen.

Because you don’t want it to.

Which is why, I’m always afraid.

2007-01-11T18:55:00.000-08:00

"tell me princess,
now when did you last let your heart decide"

At a point where you are left shattered,

at a point where you are on the blink of oblivion,

you tend to wonder what you've done, or rather what influenced you to do the things you did.

and you question the fundamental reason. the love you thought you felt.

and then you remember that all this while you've been living a lie.

a lie so convincing you fooled yourself.

you want to move on, but a part tells you to stay.

because being torn between 2 worlds is the only way to keep things in equilibrium.

or so they say.

because this indistinct equilibrium will keep you on your toes.

and make sure you don't fall into that one trap again.

like i did.

2006-12-26T07:10:00.001-08:00

“ God made men so that they could not fly.
You made me defy god.
Because love made me willing to fly for you”

The Hellcat thundered down the runway as the pilot throttled down the engine. The setting sun in the background castled a deathly shadow of doom on the tarmac, a little reflection of the horrible atrocities the plane has flown through.

The pilot stared out of his cockpit, among the crowd that had gathered at the air force base, ready to welcome the valiant pilots that had managed to hold the British front for yet another day.

He was looking for only one.

Behind him, another 2 hell cats lined up to land. The pilot single handedly clutched his joystick and pushed the aircraft off the tarmac and into the flight hanger. In the other, he clutched a bunch of roses. And in his mind, he clutched a glimmer of hope.

L’amour de ma Vie. The name splashed over his fighter. Sentimental yes, but it was true. For there was only one other.

He clambered off the fighter, patted his flight engineer who had come forward to reseal a leaking vent on the aircrafts cyclone 1800 engine.

He held the roses in his left hand and hid it behind, and in his right he held a note. A note he had written when waiting for orders behind the French lines.

He tried to pick out the brunette, the one and only he was looking for. He had only another 12 minutes before they were scheduled for another skirmish. He urged himself through the crown, intent on finding his one true love.

He felt a tap on his shoulder.

He spun around and was greeted by a peck on the lips.

He smiled.

She smiled. She had seen the roses.

She knew that roses were rare. They were restricted. Rationed. A love long lost from the reality of the war. She grabbed them and took a whiff. The pilot sniggered as he watched his one true love savour its aroma, nonchalant about the crowd around them.

They held hands as they walked to the hanger and sat down to talk, as they watched the sun set behind the horizon.

He pointed his plane out and she asked him what his call sign meant. He never did tell her and was never planning to.

They didn’t really finish their conversation, and the siren sang earlier than usual. The pilot grabbed his gear and left. The girl stared at his departing shadow, her heart aching. She knew somehow, that this was the last time they would meet. She didn’t want him to go.

As the hellcats of squadron 74 left for the vast expanse of the skies, it would be their last meeting.

It was a week. There were no tears when the officer handed her the letter. She reached into her coat for her handkerchief to wipe the raindrops off the letter when she felt a piece of paper that wasn’t supposed to be there.

“Dear Carmen,
I know I haven’t told you before.
And I hope I will get the chance to.
I just wanted you to know.

That I love you.
I’ll always do.
And I will
Until the last rose dies.”

Carmen stared into the house. There in the vase was the last rose. A paper rose. That withstood all time, That withstood eternity, That transcended all boundaries.

2006-12-24T08:59:00.000-08:00

you forgot.

no wait.

you didn't exactly want to remember.

you didn't exactly bother to remember

because to you it doesn't matter anyway.

and i waited for nothing.

seriously. look into your heart. stop toying

2006-12-19T07:06:00.000-08:00

FCUK. I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT THERE ARE SUCH PEOPLE ON THE SURFACE OF THIS EARTH.

SOME PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO IDEA. AND HAVE NO DIRECTION IN LIFE.

THEY ARE WHAT YOU CALL FLOATING BODIES.

THEY FOLLOW WHOEVER PULLS THEIR NOSES.

AND THEY CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO FOCUS ON THEIR FUTURE.

THEY ARE INSULTS TO THEIR OWN INTELLIGENCES.

IN OTHER WORDS- ASSH8LES

YOU GIVE THEM OPPORTUNITIES. YOU HELP THEM FIND CHANCES AND THEY SLAM THE FCUKING DOOR IN YOUR FACE

SOME PEOPLE DO NOT DESERVE THE PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR THEM.

ONE DAY YOU WILL LEARN TO TREASURE YOUR CHANCES AND OPPORTUNITIES.

BECAUSE ONE DAY WHEN THERE IS NO MORE BACKING, NOONE IS GOING TO HELP YOU IF YOU DON'T FCUKING HELP YOURSELF.

ANG CHUANG YANG. FCUKING WAKE UP.

2006-12-14T10:08:00.000-08:00

mr sia, i dont believe i didnt get it at first.
it only occured to me this morn what you were trying to say last night.

so, bingxi had surgery on his nose yesterday.

2006-12-03T18:13:00.000-08:00

MR SIA.

forgive me i just HAD TO attempt to do this.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
this is for you.

i pray your birthday wish comes true. if not, there's always the next birthday to wish again.
and i have a picture of ronaldo on my phone.

have fun.

click on preview then watch the vid.

2006-12-03T12:10:00.000-08:00

"Did you know my brithday wish was for you?"

Ok maybe it wasn't the perfect way to start a 16th birthday. But for the first time in a long while, i've realised the importance and fragility of life. Of how one's endeavours can be belittled in an instant when the grim ripper decides to knock on your front door.

I went looking for a friend. A lost friend at that. I guess someone who had no idea where to go. Or what to do. Or for that matter, who he was.

For the first time in 16 years, I realised what a birthday was. because the best gift is giving.

I recieved 4 smses at the stroke of midnight, and unexpectedly, it came from the most unexpected people. And it made me smile. because they never did forget me after all. For 16 years I thought I was the one that was lost. Today i find meaning in the birthday. Its a day of change, realisation and enlightenment.

Its not something easy to comprehend i guess. Its subtle. Something that can only be savoured at a whiff's notice.

Happy Birthday.

2006-12-02T09:03:00.000-08:00

"When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said."

its sad that people never realise the things more important to them until its too late.

my thoughts are in a HUGE mess with a capital HUGE.

i'm not sure what i want anymore.

and i'm not sure where to go.

life is a roller coaster

its fixed

but is scary and unpredictable.

i want to get off and re arrange my hair

because although the buggy got stuck, the roller coaster didn't

life still went on.

the birthday cake cass and i shared
thanks shan!

2006-11-30T07:46:00.000-08:00

" It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever
Think of me"

ok i feel worse today

jeff worked on my hamstrings which massacred me cos of my injury

and he worked to kill me with the arms.

GRRRR... i'll look like an idiot who has no control over his arms and legs tomorrow at the wedding.

i have no idea why. but i'm looking forward to saturday. i need to keep my mind off things for a while i guess.

when life forgot about you

2006-11-29T07:11:00.000-08:00

"Once in a lifetime,
You find someone,
Who not only touches your heart
But your soul.

Once in a lifetime,
You find someone,
Who stands next to you,
Not above you.

Once in a lifetime,
You find someone,
Who loves you for who you are,
Not for who you could be.

Once in a lifetime,
If you are lucky,
You'll find someone,
Just as I have found you."

i hate it when jeff works on my shoulders and arms.

cos it usually means that i can't move them for the next 2 days

can't play golf for the next 2 days

and DIE for the next round.

its good the michelle thing is over. don't you think?

.

2006-11-28T07:15:00.000-08:00

"You stole the key to my heart, yet you never opened it. you never wanted too. and just maybe the lock decided to change"

there are hearts sitting underneath my table.

spilt from the glass bottle.

2006-11-25T07:20:00.000-08:00

"she was my suger and i was her coffee. when we mixed together it was so sweet. we were inseperable, literally"

this world is as diverse as the mind, for every simpleton wants to be a genius.

and when you can't exactly pinpoint what you're looking for, the only constant is love isn't it?

because only with love can you know what you want.

because only with love can you know what you should strive for.

because only with love will you know how to fight for it.

because you only want the best

and you only want her

it really is irritating when you're stuck in the middle, with everyone not telling you anything.

2006-11-23T07:19:00.000-08:00

274. 268. 254. 242.
2 Rafflesians, 2 ACSians
Havoc

2006-11-22T10:34:00.000-08:00

"I know you will never give me all i want. but beleive me. all i want is you"

i love it when i sit in the car, cruising down boulevards and roads in the middle of the night. and when the SL purrs and powers the engine under the hood, you feel the immense torque. can you feel the enigma?

its not about the speed. its the tranquility that appeals. because only then does your mind get interestingly clear.

and you only start to think rationally when your mind is void of all clutter. sometimes you need that jerk, that same jerk you get when you drink calamansi.

sadly, And that only happens when you are sitting about a 120km/h revolving wheel. and the world practically flies past in an instant. and you try to look out for something eye-catching to fill the mind. where!

and yet you kept floating in and out of my mind today. no matter what i engrossed myself in, there was SOMEHOW, always some part of you in everything that i do. like an omni-presence that i can't prove. and its something i can't stop. something i cannot rebel.

i sent a friend and his sister off today. and i realised how vulnerable the both of us are. there are problems that only the other can see. and only the other can reach out to solve. and yet for some reason, I COULD NOT INFILTRATE YOUR THOUGHTS and murk them. i was distracted, and i don't know why. its because of her. is it not emotional blackmail?

and as i sit here, jamming away at the computer. i wonder whether it is all worth it. for my mind to fill with a fantasy too complicated. i've been hearing things. and people have been telling me things. i have only myself to believe in because that is what i hold fast. so fast, that it creeps into the depths, the abyss of my mind, even when my thought are to run free. for you're my one and only nova

to understand the start, you have to read the end:
don't you just love riddles?

2006-11-20T08:15:00.000-08:00

"the perfect guy is the guy who could pick to go anywhere in the world and pick to do anything, but chooses to be by your side."

life is like a car on the road to nowhere.

its the person, the driver that picks and decides where he wants to steer it. and who he wants to share his car with.

sometimes when the car gets too fast, its time to slow down.

and when the car gets sick, its time to stop.

sometimes when the car gets too hot, or when there are too many occupants clouding the space, you turn the air conditioning up.

and when you come to a bump, you slow down.

sometimes, when you see the beautiful landscape. you stop to admire.

and sometimes you admire too much that you fall in love with it. and you step out of the vehicle. and you just stare in awe and wonder.

you fall deeper. and you forget the car.

what have i done.

2006-11-17T11:54:00.000-08:00

no zong ye.
SMART ASS 2
haha

2006-11-15T10:50:00.000-08:00

Boy: You're my best friend aren't you.
Girl: Yes, and I will always be here for you.
Boy: I know. Sigh.
Girl: What's wrong?
Boy: I like this girl. I like her so much!
Girl: Go talk to her, dope.
Boy: I don't know. I don't think she'll ever like me.
Girl: Don't say that. You're amazing.
Boy: Haha. Thanks for the encouragement. But i just want to tell her how i feel about her.
Girl: Then tell her.
Boy: But what if she doesn't like me?
Girl: How do you know that?
Boy: I can tell? The little things tell.
Girl: What if you just confess to her and be done with it!
Boy: But what should I say!
Girl: Tell her how much you like her and how much she means to you.
Boy: I tell her that every single day.
Girl: What do you mean?
Boy: I'm always with her. And I tell her how much I appreciate her. But. She never seems to know.
Girl: I know how you feel. I guess I have the same problem too.But I know he'll never like me.
Boy: Why don't YOU just tell me. Who do you like anyway
Girl: Oh some guy.
Boy: Oh... she won't like me either.
Girl: She does.
Boy: How do you know? And how did you know who she is?
Girl: Because, who wouldn't like you?
Boy: You.
Girl: You're wrong, I love you.
Boy: I love you too.
Girl: So are you going to tell her?
Boy: I just did.

Cliche. Aren't all love stories?

but i know how i want mine to turn out.

2006-11-15T09:51:00.000-08:00

SMART ASS

2006-11-14T10:11:00.000-08:00

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it
keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always
perseveres.
-1 Corinthians 13:4-7

and we wait and we hope and we protect till the sun goes down.
and we persevere no matter what. because love does so. and our hearts do so

maybe. just maybe.

2006-11-12T11:23:00.000-08:00

things not to do in the United Kingdom

1) Watch a Manchester United Match in an Arsenal Supporting town
2) Eat Hainanese Chicken Rice in London
3) Think in dollars rather then in pounds
4) Forget to times three when looking at prices and regret later
5) Think 15 degrees is really 15 degrees.
6) Answer a call and fool someone that you're in Singapore (HAHAHA i'm not paying :P)
7) Sit next to a brit who thinks he's damn thin on the plane
8) Accept an invitation to a fraternity party (I REALLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS)
9) Know you're better at physics and help correct Perse's student's display
10) Forget that UK thinks in miles instead of kilometers
11) Ogle at Bentleys, Merc, and Porches
12) Try to take a picure at some SUPER crowded place
13) Forget that its eight hours behind Singapore and call someone up
14) Live at a bed and breakfast house
15) Think a four star hotel is a four star hotel
16) Forget that all Brits think peeps with yellow skin cannot speak English
17) Forget how to complete the square
18) Forget why the moon doesn't revolve around Earth at right angles
19) Forget to buy a ticket before boarding the bus
20) Not know where you're going when you board a bus

actually i wrote a list that had like 50 do and don'ts and left them on the PLANE. sigh.

Sorry Mr. Benedict! I promise you next time ok? But its not my fault!

England is a beautiful place. London Eye, Parliament House, Cambridge, LSE, Oxford, Kings, Buckingham and what not.

I've fallen in love.

2006-11-02T08:35:00.000-08:00

DON'T PREPARE FOR THINGS YOU KNOW WON'T EVER COME TRUE.

oh wells. back up plan? anyone?

thanks

2006-11-01T08:18:00.000-08:00

ok i'm spamming.

i've had the worst day of my life.

can you imagine. NO YOU CAN'T

i wish everything would go on playback

2006-11-01T07:46:00.000-08:00

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE ASKED.

DAMMIT. I KNEW THE ANSWER ALREADY

IDIOT. THERE WAS NEVER A POINT.

YOU WEREN'T EVEN TRYING TO HELP.

2006-11-01T05:08:00.000-08:00

my friend said that when you sneezed, someone was thinking about you.
she also said that when you dropped an eyelash, someone is missing you.

its funny. i'm sneezing. but i know its because of the flu. I'M SNEEZING BUCKETS. but just maybe? JUST MAYBE YOU DOPE. don't you think too far.

i just cannot imagine the things that i've done and am going to do.

if my mom ever knows about tomorrow, I AM DEAD. but oh wells. its after the o levels and i think it'll come in handy sometime.

i'm ranting. i'm lost and i have no idea what i'm talking about.

Physics. Chemistry. Maths. Economics. China Studies. English.

Enough said

2006-10-22T06:23:00.000-07:00

the tangible. the intangible.

two power structures that support the being. the existence of any human.

when they fail, when they crumble and when they buckle under the immense pressure, i become lost.

i of all should know the feeling.

when the life ceases to be in existance. when the tangible breaks down. when the protection disappears, you are exposed. and the fire that licks your bare flesh torments your soul to worlds ends.

when my life ceases to be of existance, i will look back and wonder what was really worth it. to spend a friendship or to treasure one. the intangible can never really be judged. it needs to be harnessed, protected, polished and lived. when it ends, the heart breaks. you wonder what you did to deserve this.

when everything crumbles and there is no shelter to look to. it ends. it just ends like that. void of feeling, void of life.

daddy mommy stay strong. we all need this now.

i need a hug.

2006-10-15T04:49:00.000-07:00

DAMN LA

i've got like start learning some floorball or some hockey thing before i go RJ
RJC doesn't have golf damn it

ARGH

RJ WAKE UP. YOU NEED A GOLF TEAM.

2006-10-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

I wish yakult came in 330ml containers rather than 100ml ones
I wish the coffee machine didn't make such foul tasting coffee
I wish milo wouldn't taste so funny when the ice dilutes it
I wish the tombelerone can provide the sugar rush
I wish chrysanthemum tea wouldn't taste that bad when its hot

sigh i'm through with it.

the subjects i'm usually strong at are going to kill me this time. so help me god.

2006-10-11T11:10:00.000-07:00

After maths i went to by dinner from the auntie at the foodcourt downstairs.

She recognizes me cos i ALWAYS buy her food when i have the opportunity today, so much so that when shes happy, she gives me discounts :)

Today, i ended class late, like around 930, so by the time i reached the food court, it was practically empty, save for a few stragglers mugging away.

The auntie asked how old i was. I said 15. and she stared at me hard.

(note conversation took place in chinese)

she said: SO OLD?
i said: Ya. Then how old?
she said: you look thirteen
i said: really? -.-
she said: Ya. You want the sauce?
i said: yes, and put a little more this time can?
she said: ok. Are you Singaporean?
i said: Yes.
she said: you don't look like one
i said: then i look like what?
she said: wai4 guo2 ren2 -.-

ok. i almost burst out laughing at the last part. FINE I LOOK THIRTEEN. i mean thats understandable. Like tons of people don't believe my age. And yes, more than one person has questioned my nationality. BUT HER ANSWER WAS THE ONE THAT MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD. like all foreigners have the same look like that!

257444804023648084280843077384687076780927036709680238370255.
4046730968'5502354383046063.

2006-10-09T08:08:00.001-07:00

its really just sad how some people can have impressions of another swayed by rumours they've heard about him.

its just hearsay.

i guess the politics of a boys school and a girls one is totally different. And it hurts to hear things said about you that aren't true. and its even worse when someone else hears it and chooses to beleive it.

its just hearsay.

but ultimately, its up the person listening to judge whether i am such a person. So why bother. i haven't done anything wrong to you. so its up to you to make your judgement, whether the rumours are true.

its just hearsay.

Amanda soh once told me that she heard i got myself into fights. i literally fell off my chair when i heard that. how lame can some rumours get. i can't imagine myself even laying a finger on someone else.

its just hearsay remember?

i hope you'll make the right decision about the impression about me. its up to you to decide. i can't change that.

its your decision

i feel like a fool
i feel betrayed

2006-10-08T06:55:00.000-07:00

I get HEADACHES of HEADACHES when i sit in the same car as my dad, especially when he is in the driver's seat.

Its not that i mind sitting in the same car as him. I enjoy knowing which road to take to go wherever, and seeing him in a daze trying to figure out which exit to take. I'm not a sadist or anything but its really funny.

But its just super irritating when he drives on 2 lanes instead of one -.- He said he wants to keep his choices open on which lane to take. and half the time i have to keep reminding him to stay in his lane! I'm like the driving instructor on the other seat.

There are so many times when he's driving fast and then he doesn't see a car and he doesn't start to break. And i start stepping on my invisible break paddle and screaming for him to stop. Sigh. He's too used to getting chauffeured around already and he's lost touch with his driving.

Everytime he has to reverse to park, he will go back and forth so many times! At least today i kept egging him to go backwards on one try. And he actually did it.

I remember the other time why mummy said we travel in different groups. Like say when we go to phuket right, my mum OR my dad will go first. Preferably they won't go together. Then my sister would go either before them or after. I'll travel alone and my grandmother would bring my 2 brothers. Its four separate flights really, but there are unseen reasons. But its COOL :)

pissed
nim iuh auhc, stop bothering our lives

2006-10-05T06:49:00.000-07:00

my daddy loves calamansi juice.

I went to lunch with my friend today at simple life and they had a free drink that came with an entree. I decided to try calamansi, since i've never ever tasted the drink before.

It was bitter at first. Really bitter and my mouth sort of rejected the entire taste of it. I wanted to back off from the drink, and i wanted to forget about it, but there was something unique and special about that drink that irked me.

I wanted more.

Then, i decided to try again. Gradually,the taste transformed and the drink's taste 'opened up' or so to speak. It was sweet heaven, like a lover's first kiss. I started to appreciate this nonparie taste, savouring its elegance. It gave this familiar rush to my palates, something i've longed to feel for what seems like all eternity.

you're like the calamansi.
a culmination of grace and reticence.
a bittersweet memory

2006-10-04T08:07:00.000-07:00

After reading 12 letters between my dad and my chinese teacher, i realised that he being in RI teaching a bunch of losers like us is really 大材小用. heres a sample of the most recent letter he sent me and my dad.

宁远学长台鉴：

政海翻腾，商场斗智，此古往今来之规律，东坡谓之为“春江水暖鸭先知”。回想晚清人物，岂非史鉴！为政者如李少荃（鸿章）、张香涛（之洞）翁常熟（同龢）、瞿鸿机等皆一时鸿儒；从商者如南通状元张謇、郑观应、唐廷枢、胡雪岩等皆一时俊彦，然纵观其一生，能宠辱不惊，进退自如者仅曾国藩一人耳。愚意以为曾氏之处世哲学虽历经百余年，仍是我辈之生活典范，故暇时还以读曾氏家书为乐。其于进退、应对之学，实孟子所谓深造自得矣！当年印公自香港赴台，不料却遭变相“羁留”，谁知却造就印公之伟大成就。福深信庄子所言，喜怒哀乐，不入胸次，虽此境界不易达，但愿与共勉之。

承您不弃，引为朋友，深感幸甚！福曾肄业于台湾国立师范大学国文系，后毕业于澳门东亚大学（今澳门大学）之文史系，获新加坡国立大学中文系硕士（论文为《汉溪书法通解研究》）。曾师事施香沱先生习书画篆刻，为先生晚年弟子。大材小用一语，愧不敢当！滥竽充数，为稻梁谋耳！此乃由衷之言，非虚矫也！肃此敬颂

崇祺

弟

陈培福稽首

丙戌仲秋

附候：夫人尊前问好不另。

Gosh i tell you. I can barely make out what he is trying to say! I mean i know he is listing his credentials and something about the politcal turmoil of the Chinese empire or something like that. But its a whole world different from the Chinese i learn and USE! I think its really sad that he's stuck with a bunch of boys like us. He should be teaching in the university or something.

I know my dad's chinese is really good too. And i'm so ashamed i'm not even up to his standard. There are tons of chinese books all over the house and in his library, and i don't even know how to appreciate them.

培福学弟：

泰国政变，对我的情绪影响很大。思潮汹涌澎湃，久久未能平息。很多朋友，一夜之间，被打入牛棚，变成牛鬼蛇神；又有一些朋友，无缘无故，平步青云，一觉醒来，飞上枝头，作了当劝派。我感叹人言之可畏，从文化大革命到泰国政变，“欲加之罪，何患无词” 还是人整人颠扑不破的真理。毛泽东，周恩来之间的恩恩怨怨，塔信的崛起和倒台，以致众叛亲离，让我深深的感触到在商场，战场，官场上，真的没有朋友，也没有真情。成者为王，败者为寇，很使我有高处不胜寒的醒悟。佛法说：苦海无边，回头是岸，可是还有多少人，宁愿浮沉于苦海中；是否要等到被淹没时，才能看到彼岸？？急流勇退，能退才是勇，但是又有几个人能作得到呢？由台北，到泰国，山雨欲来风满楼，是不是又逢风起云涌时？？此刻，能与您天南地北，无拘无束，不分职称，鱼雁往还，畅谈天下事，是很值得庆幸的。想学弟您必有同感！

我几十年来最大的遗憾是没有在中四华文的基础上继续钻研国学。我也遗憾没有学书法。如今，学到用时方恨少。搞文物鉴定，尤其是书画的鉴定，绝对没有取巧的余地；国学和书法这两项基本功，一丝一毫都不可少。我的鉴定水平，也因此而永远局限于门外。为此，我最多是能以一个爱好者和收藏者（万万不敢自称“家”）的身份来和您谈书画，否则是会闹笑话的。10月18-22日，中国嘉德拍卖行在星加坡举办今年秋拍的于展，颇有看头。主持人王雁南，是赵紫阳，赵总理的女儿，也是多年的老朋友。她来，我一定会请她吃饭，也看看些好东西。您一定要作陪。

据我直觉，单凭您的学识，似乎有大材小用之嫌？？方便时，是否能告知您的学历？

顺祝

教安。

宁远谨启

2006年9月29日于灯下

It really is bleak reminder of their time and MY TIME and what i'm doing with my chinese education right now. But sometimes, you can't help it can you.

my mom has been reading my phone messages lately. this afternoon i had 3 unread messages before i showered. after that i had none.

size 28 levis

2006-10-03T07:05:00.000-07:00

hey! why you carrying gabrielle, never carry me!

bleah.

i don't have teeth and you want me to eat chocs. EVIL

erm. am i supposed to smile?

BORRRREEEDDD

gabrielle and danielle visited today. and yes. they've grown so much.
danielle can walk already
gabrielle can speak chinese
danielle can say mommy and please already

i feel OLD.

2006-10-01T05:30:00.000-07:00

zongxi said something interesting and cute yesterday, that was after i came back from my mini adventure from dreamland.

he said: you are evil man. you bring somebody else to go watch a show never bring me! how can like that!

i replied: jealous is it?

he said: YES

oh my. he's jealous! and well i can't blame him at all. forbidden city was a good show. and yes, it wasn't the only good thing either.

last night, images kept flashing in my head. and words that were said seemed like a romantic melody that just kept on playing. the wistful melancholy of life.

"haha today was a happy day, except seiyu was really crowded"
its weird but those words were enough to make my heart flutter and my stomach flip

2006-09-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

gastric. -.- the bane of dinner

2006-09-30T06:57:00.000-07:00

:(

i wish i could have made it a little happier for you.

i wish i could have seen you smile a little more

i planned everything and the rain had to screw it up

i just wish i could turn back time

you know sometimes you wish so much for something, and then at that point of time.. you just don't know what to do when it actually happens. for the first time, i was tongue tied, i was so stiff and i didn't do all the things that i had originally planned to do

maybe you were happy. maybe you enjoyed it.

i hope you did. because. i don't want it to end.

2006-09-29T03:59:00.000-07:00

I JUST WANT TO DIE

2006-09-27T10:29:00.000-07:00

i'm super...

i'll tell you why soon :)

2006-09-27T06:17:00.000-07:00

i think the interview went great today! Dr. Ong was very funny and i felt i did relatively well for the interview. and somehow, IB seems better after all. I looked through the curriclum and definitely felt it was much better than RP.

And i looked at the list of enlisted candidates from RI last year, quite a few i know are going too. RGS too.

Now i'll just have to fill in all the frigging stacks and stacks of forms.

Zong Xi's birthday is tomorrow. and mummy and daddy probably can't make it back. sigh. its just another birthday anyway. :(

Happy Birthday Zong Xi. I wish i could make this birthdaya happier one for you.

2006-09-26T08:39:00.000-07:00

omg. fcuk MINDEF and all their drafting policies! I shouldn't have even bothered asking them. now i'll probably get black listed or something. so going overseas s out of the question.

i was supposed to go for training today, but i skipped it to get a haircut and all the stuff you need to do before you sell yourself at an interview. i'm trying for the ACS International Baccalaureate. I somehow feel more safe with that programme, albeit what everyone is saying.

I talked to Mr Choe on the phone for about an hour plus, discussing the 2 different approaches in education and it left me not with any answers, but with more thoughts and questions.

I'm at the crossroads now. and i need help.

My sister says RJC is the best bet. Mr Choe says RJC is ok, so is ACS, but the IB is better -.-. Rui Shan says RJC is better. DUMDUM says IB is better. ACY is still doing o levels. i don't know! HELP.

and there are still 2 tickets on the table.
sitting beside the 999 little things
i'm too afraid to ask.
i'm too afraid to know.

2006-09-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

Europe just won. that totally crapped up my day.

I haven't been to the range and didn't touch my clubs after the open, so i decided to go down on friday and today.

Friday's focus was on shortening the swing and largely redevelop the feel for the shorter irons.

Today i focused on using the shoulders to control the swing and worked with my hybrid and 3 wood. the driver wasn't satisfying.

I think we'll get the chinese papers back tomorrow.

I smell of strawberry. And now i think i understand why you asked if if i liked strawberries. everytime i see you, you smell of strawberry. i only realised that today.

to ask or not to ask.
i want you to go with me.

2006-09-22T03:41:00.000-07:00

its official.

my perfectionistic tendencies have resurfaced.

I went through 5, five mnd you, drafts for my physics PT before passing it up :( and i still felt that were stuff that i left out.

I took like a year trying to get rid of that horrendous habit, but last night subconsciously i kept reviewing my Physics PT. It started as draft 1. then physics draft 2 -.- the final 1. then final 2. then FINAL final. I'm crazy i know.

I was looking through my sister's piano scores that she gave me 3 years back which i left under my piano. I was looking for moonlight sonata, a song my sis wants me to play with her and her cello. And i stumbled across this picture of her when she was just three years old :)

which reminds me of what my brother-in-law, weep, told me the last time we had a family dinner.

i asked him how he met pebs and how was she like then. and he laughed. his first words were: EXPENSIVE :)

they met in university. weep had an SPH scholarship and was studying law in the same faculty as my sister. they were 2 years apart of course, because of the singapore NS thing.

anyway, weep asked my sister out and they dated. of course he had to pay and my sis was EVIL. they ate at all the expensive restaurants in london and at one point, my sis had to pay too! cos weep ran out of money or something.

that was until weep decided to cook for my sis one day. after being away from singapore for so long, she couldn't resist singapore food. from then on, she decided not to eat out and that is how she never left him. i think -.-

and up till now i'm still wondering why i'm not an uncle yet.

JIE. HURRY UP

2006-09-21T07:23:00.000-07:00

its actually flattering to hear someone likes you.

but it'd be nicer if someone you actually liked felt the same way about you too.

2006-09-20T20:00:00.000-07:00

Singapore Airlines just announced that it was reducing airfares for tourists travelling to bangkok, after the mfa issued a travel warning for tourists entering Thailand.

While this might mean cheaper air fares and might free up some seats for some much needed sleep for some people on this 3 1/2 hour flight to bangkok, this might not be a good thing after all. This is why:

Yes you've guessed it. ITS RAINING

2006-09-20T11:57:00.000-07:00

today, i realised how fragile life is.

mummy, daddy. come back quick.

six on a liveable girl

2006-09-18T23:32:00.000-07:00

I had my chinese prelims today. and i think i did quite well for it.

i sort of had this gutsy feeling that for letter writing, they'll sak about the IMF world bank meetings and true to my word, they did. I decided that this time round i wasn't going to write the bao zhang bao dao, cos i knew everyone was going to do it. so i wrote the shu qing wen. the title was choices.

I wrote a love story for that one. One so real that when i met up with my chinese teacher, he asked me if that was my girlfriend. and he said the ending was very touching. coming from MY CHINESE TEACHER. that means i did quite ok :)

The main paper was relatively easy, save for the last comprehension which had quite a deep meaning and i didn't exactly have enough time to figure out what they meant by walls are a hallmark of men's existence.

The second comprehension. haha. I laughed when i first read it. The topic was about how to graciously accept gifts. I'll type it out and upload it when i get my A1 paper back and you'll see what i mean.

The back alley closed today, that means when i come home now, i have to walk one huge gigantic round. STUPID.

now what in the world, am i going to do with you?

2006-09-18T03:09:00.000-07:00

Tech Support: Yes, ... how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me though the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations
.
Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

program LOVE has given me so much
and taken away that much too.
its still running. i think

2006-09-17T03:47:00.000-07:00

she sounds so cute when she just awakes. like a little baby girl.

2006-09-16T04:23:00.000-07:00

The wound smarts even more.

I decided that today i would take back the present. I was ready, or so to speak.

They say time heals all wounds. my ass.

I knew the watch would be in there. Never did i realised and thought that the sitting right next to the watch was her birthday card.

The wound bled. It belched blood

She didn't even keep the card? The emptiness, which had slowly filled over the weeks suddenly erupted again.

And to think i even scolded acy for being so rash.

Sia Bing Xi. You fool.

I'm never going to love again.

2006-09-12T05:25:00.000-07:00

i wish i could hold your hand and never let go.

but i'll never ever know how it feels like to grab hold of those fragile delicate fingers.

there's a million things i'd do for you.

but i'll never have the chance to.

2006-09-11T02:56:00.000-07:00

敬尊陈老师：

谢谢您的开导。

本人一定会保握这千载难逢的机会，不会让尊师失望。

此颂。

2006-09-09T08:54:00.000-07:00

A kiss is the height of voluptuousness.

An expense of time and an expanse of spirit.

In the sweet toil of romance, when my heart quivers, anticipation rockets, but gratification deliberately kept at bay,exquisite torment builds to a succelent crescendo of passion and emotion.

The time seemed right.

To say that i loved you.

2006-09-06T09:49:00.000-07:00

daddy left for bangkok again.

mummy is leaving tomorrow. she couldn't get a flight tomorrow morning. so at least i'll still see her.

they're getting busy all over again. i remember in primary school when we took turns to talk to mummy. or daddy. and we always started the phone call with 'when are you coming back?'.

zong xi used to cry everytime mummy and daddy left. after a while, it just got numb. and he cried no more. they started taking early morning flights, preferably before we woke up to go to school, so that we might not see them.

i used to wait up to say goodbye.

in primary school, when friends failed to sign forms or test papers, they would say that their parents returned late and could not sign it for them. i could say that my parents didn't come back today, and they probably wouldn't for the next month. but i didn't want others to know.

i used to crave my mom picking me up from school. from learning lab. from golf. sometimes i would wait an hour for her, even though it was a short trip.

when zong ye couldn't take the pressure from school, mummy started spending longer stints at home. 4 days, maybe a week. and somehow, the longer they stayed, the harder it was to say goodbye.

its a bitter irony.

mummy don't go again.

2006-09-05T19:34:00.000-07:00

It wasn't my fault that i fell in love

you tripped me.

28804078455056830968

2006-09-02T11:16:00.000-07:00

I decided to count after all
376 more to go
finally

2006-09-02T07:28:00.000-07:00

My dad and i toured the lakes course today.

The greens were much much smaller, the professional tees pulled back and the fairways shaped more interestingly. I liked it.

Because it was still undergoing renovation works, all the roads weren't exactly paved yet, so where the road were still mud tracks, the buggys had difficulty going through them.

My dad's buggy got stuck on the our fourth hole. Uncle Vincent was trying to show daddy the new black tee, so he slowed down. And his buggy sunk into a mud patch. My dad got out and started walking the course. My dad's bodyguard, the course marshal and Uncle Vincent had a wet time trying to get the buggy out. Heh.. I walked with my dad.

My dad said that when we get ourselves stuck in things, we should start moving.

But what if i like getting stuck.

What if I don't want to move?

The jar's half full
I can't be bothered to count
yet.

2006-09-01T22:03:00.000-07:00

What would life be had i never met you.

At all?

What would life be had i never done anything.

I guess i'll never know.

I cut my fingers today.
But theres still 544 more to go

2006-08-31T21:49:00.000-07:00

My caddy chided me today for something i myself never noticed.

She said that the last time she carried for me, she remembered my playing style well. Because Apparently I was the only player willing to push the ball further and take chances. I could tee my ball into the ground, pull out my driver and sting a shot on a par 3.

Today, she said that i've become timid, as if somewhat scared and reserved. That I was becoming different. I started laying up shots, never daring to push for the green on the other side of the canyon. I started hesitating when it concerned shaping my shot. For the first time, I noticed I was scared.

On the last hole, she told me to try. And said that if i didn't try, i will never know. I laughed at her comment. She didn't know why.

I won that hole.

I had to know. I tried. But I was wrong.

My fingers are starting to ache.
But there's still 698 more to go.

2006-08-31T04:11:00.000-07:00

Someone quoted his girl today.

She said that love is a very strong word. A word that should be sparingly and seriously used. And only to the one you really do love.

And then there are those who want to spread their love to the world. Like a certain few people that i know.

It set me thinking.

What is love?

Can you bottle up love? Apparently, you're supposed to.

853 more to go.

2006-08-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

i could find a million imperfections about me

i hoped you'd overlook them

i guess i just wasn't good enough for you

fullstop.

2006-08-26T04:43:00.000-07:00

daddy.

tell me there are no fairy tale endings

please.

2006-08-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

The Tree, The Leaf, The Wind

[Tree]

The reason I'm called tree is because I'm good at painting trees. Overtime I started to use a tree on the right hand corner as a trademark for all my watercolor paintings. So for now, just call me tree k?

I dated five girls when I was in JC.

There was one girl whom I love a lot but never dared to go after. She wasn’t really pretty, didn’t really have a good figure and didn’t have outstanding charm. She was just… plain and ordinary I guess.

But that was not the point. I liked her. I really liked her. I liked her innocence, liked her frankness, liked her intellect, liked how she looked so cute in class, liked the way she smiled and most of all, I liked her fragility. And that was all that mattered to me.

But I didn’t go after her. My best friend told me that she was too ordinary for me and that the relationship would not work out. She wasn’t the “best match” or so to speak. I was afraid too, that all the amicable feelings that we had over the years would vanish with the onset of a new relationship, and the awkwardness that would ensue.

I felt that if she was mine to be, I wouldn’t have to give up everything just for her. She would always be there and I could want her whenever.

I was wrong.

She accompanied me for three years, and as she watched me chasing after the 5 different girls, it hurt her. And I knew I made her heart ache for those last three years.

She wants to be my actress, but sadly, I’m a demanding director. She walked in on me kissing my 2nd girlfriend, and while I know her heart was torn into a million pieces. She was embarrassed, but she left dignified, even egging us on. before she fled the love scene.

The next day, her eyes were blood shot and swollen. I avoided the awkward conversation about me kissing my girlfriend then. I didn’t want to think about it. I even had the nuts to tease her for the whole day. When everyone was going home, I walked in on her crying in the empty classroom after golf practice. She didn’t see me there, but I watched the HOURS tick by as she cried and cried.

My 4th girlfriend didn’t exactly like her. A quarrel soon erupted between them, with me in the middle of the tussle. I had to side with my girl or I’d be the one getting it from the both of them. I wasn’t sure of my feelings for her then. I shouted at her. I knew I shouldn’t have but I did. She reeled in shock. All I hoped then was that my girl would be alright, and we strolled off. I forgot about her. I knew the next day she’d be alright, and we’d talk to each other again. She would not know until much later that my heart ached when she did that. She really did love me.

When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I decided to ask her out. After going out for a day, I told her that I had something to confess. Coincidently, and with the luck of fate, she had something to confess too.

I thought this was our lucky break, but it wasn’t meant to be. I told her of my bachelor status, and she told me she was attached. I even know the guy! He’s been after her for a while and while he never gave up, I never tried.

Their courtship was the talk of the school. And my heart ached to see her go But I had to be strong. I congratulated her still, but my heart felt empty. It was empty, hurt and numb. I was breathless, I wanted to scream, I wanted to run, I wanted to do things unimaginable. I cried real hard. And the tears felt like those she shed, when I never did recognise her presence

On graduation day, she sent me an SMS. I broke down on reading it… and I’ve regretted never telling her how much I loved her since.

“The Leaf’s timely departure from the tree was because of the strong wind. But maybe, just maybe it was because the tree never asked her to stay.”
[Leaf]
In my JC days, I used to collect leaves. Leaves never part trees unless its absolutely necessary. And it needs a lot of courage. Agree?
During those few years, I was on close terms with a friend. Yes, a boy and his name was tree. It wasn’t those mushy relationships but rather filled with more camaraderie.
I developed a feeling I should never have learnt when tree got his first girl – Jealousy. Its sour you know, the heart feels like it just bordered madness. Luckily there were together for only three months, and I was overjoyed when they broke up.
And then, his flirtatious personality got him his second girl friend. I even walked in on them kissing. Whenever he got together with another girl, the sense of longing grew deeper. And deeper. And deeper.
I know he likes me. And he knows I crave for him. But why won’t he court me? Why won’t he make the first move? Every single time he got together with a girl, my heart would disintegrate, only to regenerate again. I began to suspect it was one-sided.
Why did he treat me so well if he just wanted to be friends? I mean you can’t expect me to make the first move right.
Despite that, I still wanted to be by his side, to care for him, to accompany him and to love him with all my heart and soul. I waited for him to call every night, and waited for his nightly SMSes. I knew that no matter how busy he was, he would always make time for me and because of this I waited for him.
It was torture when he ignored me for 3 weeks after his birthday. I organized a surprise party for him too. And I gave him what he always wanted, his new soccer boots. ( Having been around him so long, I knew what he wanted) when all his girl friend got him was a kiss. He forgot to thank me. Maybe he did forget, or he was just being plain mean. Everything slowed down, just to wait for that SMS. Or that phone call, or that letter. It never came. It never did.
Oh the pain and the torture that accompanied me. The DILEMMA.

At the end of the third year, this bloke started to go after me. Everyday he would find time to talk to me and walk me home. At that point, only tree was in my heart, and yet from my outright rejection, slowly I willingly let him set foot on my heart.

He was the wind that was relentlessly trying to blow me away, far away from the tree that hurt me so.
In the end, his small footing grew bigger and he consumed my heart, and while the tree weakened, the leaf flew off to a better land. Finally I left the tree. All the tree could do was smile. HE didn’t ask me to stay. I flew and flew away. The aches disappeared.

“The Leaf’s timely departure from the tree was because of the strong wind. But maybe, just maybe it was because the tree never asked her to stay.”
[Wind]
I liked this girl leaf.
But she was so dependent on the tree. I had to be a strong gust of wind. I wanted to blow, bow her away from all the misery and all the hurt.
I saw her when I was playing soccer with leaf. She would always be there, watching tree shoot from the midfield, and would cheer with him when he scored! And whether she was along or with friends, she only concentrated on him.
When the tree cared for other leaves, you could see the jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her however, she would become cheerful all over again. I fell in love with this innocence, just like the tree did. I fell in love with her patience, which the tree didn’t. I fell in love with her devotion, which the tree forgot.
She got into a quarrel with one of the tree’s leaf. And when the tree scolded her, she attempted to disappear. But she came to watch him play soccer again the next day. I went up to her and passed her a note. She looked surprised, but smiled and accepted the note. The next day she returned my note and I was elated.
On it “The leaf’s heart is too heavy for the wind to blow away. The leaf doesn’t want to leave the tree.
As we traded notes, it became SMSes, and then phone calls and then frequent meetings. Slowly, but steadfastly, she agreed to my presence. I knew she loved me not, but love keeps one going. Never give up on love (:
I declared my love for her no less than 5 times in the span of 4 months. And every single time, she avoided the topic. She didn’t want me. She wanted the tree.

Although I knew she wasn’t comfortable with the topic but I still bore a small ray of hope, just hopping she’d say yes. I confessed, well not confessed anymore, but professed my love for her again, for the 30th time over the phone and asked her to be mine. And while there was silence, I panicked. I asked her what she was doing and whether she was fine.

She said she was nodding her head. I couldn’t believe my ears and she screamed that she was nodding her head again. I ran to her place, never looking back and when I arrived at her door step, I rang her doorbell. There she was, calm and everything. I hugged her and never let go. A wind blew past. The last leaf from the tree downstairs fell. I felt it. She felt it.

“The Leaf’s timely departure from the tree was because of the strong wind. But maybe, just maybe it was because the tree never asked her to stay.”

I know i'm the leaf. I can feel the wind churning. But will the tree ask me to stay?

2006-08-19T10:19:00.000-07:00

you know for all the things i did today, i wished and hoped to hear just a whisper of thanks. and as the clock ticked by and by, it never came.

i just wanted a thank you. it never came.

2006-07-29T12:11:00.000-07:00

Actually, while i'm sitting down here in front of my computer starting this new blog, everything seems so surreal. and after that string of events today, i still can't believe that i had actually plugged up the guts to do such an irrational thing. so damn irrational. but i guess its one of those things that i have to do before i decide to go. i mean bottled and plugged for so long, everything just pop like it did.

Really, life does seem a tad bit messy. I rushed back from Melbourne on the red eye flight and i kept tossing and turning in the uncomfortable aeroplane bed. I was so frisky i guess, not knowing what to do and what to expect and i guess these things happen when i cannot prepare for the event. I hate to go into something unprepared and unrehearsed. I know i can handle situations that get out of hand. but with her.. its just different? i think you know that kind of feeling.

I sent out my letter of application before rushing out to get the flowers. and ACY was explaining what was the difference between giving 3 roses, 6 roses, 7 roses, 24 roses and 365 roses. You should go and find out what that means. :) i bought 3 btw. and the lady at the counter asked me who the flowers were for and offered teddies. flowers don't last but teddies do right. And so i plucked up the guts to choose a ... teddy. and ACY and I cabbed back to RGS.

Everything was fine i guess.. until Heidi, dear heidi almost came late. Well not late. just 15 minutes earlier than the concert. And there i was so anxious that i might not even be able to get the tickets. I met Aiwei there, who didn't bring her phone and was frantically trying to get her bearing. And she kept probing as to who that bouquet of flowers were for. I kept my mouth shut.

Lost. Lost in the music or rather lost in her. while she kept ringing her bells, i coundn't really hear the music but i was lost in her. In her beauty and in her confidence as she continued to dazzle me. and i guess i started to dread the moment when the concert would end? when i would have to confront my feelings and that bunch of flowers would change to a hopefully willing hand.

Lest i run away, ACY and Heidi pulled me to go and find her. I froze many times. I was afraid. When i finally found her, she was hugging her friend and she smiled and waved to me when she swa me. My heart warmed and my stomach was doing somersaults. outside my body. I gave her the flowers and then at that point of time everything seemed perfect, until my brain was whitewashed as to what i wanted to say to her. And to think i was rehearsing the stupid small talk in the toilet. I mumbled something like ... i liked your performance really well and then i bolted out of the auditorium. i didn't want to wait for her reaction.

And when i came back, after Heidi and ACY pulled me back, i helped heidi friends take a group photo and borrowed natalie's camera to take a picture with her. I totally have to idea where that sudden rush of courage came from but i knew i just had to do it, or i regretted it. Well i did to a certain extent, cos i found her sitting on the floor in the changing room in daze. she noticed the bear.

YES THE BEAR

Everything froze -_- " yes again. I thought i had did something wrong and i went over to ask if hse was alright. well she seemed ok... just a bit off her usual composed self. I was a bit shocked i guess, considering i've never seen her in such a distraught state. I asked if I could take a photo with her and she agreed, still in a daze i guess. I only realised later when ACY told me that i had acutally put my hand on her shoulder. Rather i was the one in the daze. and i took off with ACY after that. I didn't want to know what happened next.

Over. It was over. my 3-week planned erm ... flower-giving and 'confession' session was over. I was milling over it at delifrance at j8 thinking about it when Heidi called and told me what happened. And, the usual anxious me cabbed back all the way to RGS, not before letting a lady with a young boy and an old man take the previous cabs that i flagged. So nice right.

Y did it ever have to be her? i guess you can never stop these emotional outbursts. Its out of your control isn't it. I thought of walking or briging her home. at least that was what i hoped i could do and try to talk to her. but SADLY, her father and brother decided to come and pick her up. It was awkward when i gave her that pink baloon and told her that she looked beautiful tonight, and i wasn't lying.

Unbelievably, she came over and thanked me for the things, after much convincing from different parties. my heart warmed to that. I could hav her thanking me like that everyday and i would love every single second of it. it was funny when everyone was asking me to everything, but i just couldn't think. now i realise what an idiot i've been.

No. I had to do it. i just had to. 3 years of waiting. I guess if i didn't i'd regret it sooner or later. You can never explain what that feeling of want is. that lovely feeling in your chest when you think about that certain someone-- her :)

Just

In

A blink of an eye.