the tangible. the intangible.

two power structures that support the being. the existence of any human.

when they fail, when they crumble and when they buckle under the immense pressure, i become lost.

i of all should know the feeling.

when the life ceases to be in existance. when the tangible breaks down. when the protection disappears, you are exposed. and the fire that licks your bare flesh torments your soul to worlds ends.

when my life ceases to be of existance, i will look back and wonder what was really worth it. to spend a friendship or to treasure one. the intangible can never really be judged. it needs to be harnessed, protected, polished and lived. when it ends, the heart breaks. you wonder what you did to deserve this.

when everything crumbles and there is no shelter to look to. it ends. it just ends like that. void of feeling, void of life.

daddy mommy stay strong. we all need this now.

i need a hug.

DAMN LA

i've got like start learning some floorball or some hockey thing before i go RJ
RJC doesn't have golf damn it

ARGH

RJ WAKE UP. YOU NEED A GOLF TEAM.

I wish yakult came in 330ml containers rather than 100ml ones
I wish the coffee machine didn't make such foul tasting coffee
I wish milo wouldn't taste so funny when the ice dilutes it
I wish the tombelerone can provide the sugar rush
I wish chrysanthemum tea wouldn't taste that bad when its hot

sigh i'm through with it.

the subjects i'm usually strong at are going to kill me this time. so help me god.

After maths i went to by dinner from the auntie at the foodcourt downstairs.

She recognizes me cos i ALWAYS buy her food when i have the opportunity today, so much so that when shes happy, she gives me discounts :)

Today, i ended class late, like around 930, so by the time i reached the food court, it was practically empty, save for a few stragglers mugging away.

The auntie asked how old i was. I said 15. and she stared at me hard.

(note conversation took place in chinese)

she said: SO OLD?
i said: Ya. Then how old?
she said: you look thirteen
i said: really? -.-
she said: Ya. You want the sauce?
i said: yes, and put a little more this time can?
she said: ok. Are you Singaporean?
i said: Yes.
she said: you don't look like one
i said: then i look like what?
she said: wai4 guo2 ren2 -.-

ok. i almost burst out laughing at the last part. FINE I LOOK THIRTEEN. i mean thats understandable. Like tons of people don't believe my age. And yes, more than one person has questioned my nationality. BUT HER ANSWER WAS THE ONE THAT MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD. like all foreigners have the same look like that!

257444804023648084280843077384687076780927036709680238370255.
4046730968'5502354383046063.

its really just sad how some people can have impressions of another swayed by rumours they've heard about him.

its just hearsay.

i guess the politics of a boys school and a girls one is totally different. And it hurts to hear things said about you that aren't true. and its even worse when someone else hears it and chooses to beleive it.

its just hearsay.

but ultimately, its up the person listening to judge whether i am such a person. So why bother. i haven't done anything wrong to you. so its up to you to make your judgement, whether the rumours are true.

its just hearsay.

Amanda soh once told me that she heard i got myself into fights. i literally fell off my chair when i heard that. how lame can some rumours get. i can't imagine myself even laying a finger on someone else.

its just hearsay remember?

i hope you'll make the right decision about the impression about me. its up to you to decide. i can't change that.

its your decision

i feel like a fool
i feel betrayed

I get HEADACHES of HEADACHES when i sit in the same car as my dad, especially when he is in the driver's seat.

Its not that i mind sitting in the same car as him. I enjoy knowing which road to take to go wherever, and seeing him in a daze trying to figure out which exit to take. I'm not a sadist or anything but its really funny.

But its just super irritating when he drives on 2 lanes instead of one -.- He said he wants to keep his choices open on which lane to take. and half the time i have to keep reminding him to stay in his lane! I'm like the driving instructor on the other seat.

There are so many times when he's driving fast and then he doesn't see a car and he doesn't start to break. And i start stepping on my invisible break paddle and screaming for him to stop. Sigh. He's too used to getting chauffeured around already and he's lost touch with his driving.

Everytime he has to reverse to park, he will go back and forth so many times! At least today i kept egging him to go backwards on one try. And he actually did it.


I remember the other time why mummy said we travel in different groups. Like say when we go to phuket right, my mum OR my dad will go first. Preferably they won't go together. Then my sister would go either before them or after. I'll travel alone and my grandmother would bring my 2 brothers. Its four separate flights really, but there are unseen reasons. But its COOL :)

pissed
nim iuh auhc, stop bothering our lives

my daddy loves calamansi juice.

I went to lunch with my friend today at simple life and they had a free drink that came with an entree. I decided to try calamansi, since i've never ever tasted the drink before.

It was bitter at first. Really bitter and my mouth sort of rejected the entire taste of it. I wanted to back off from the drink, and i wanted to forget about it, but there was something unique and special about that drink that irked me.

I wanted more.

Then, i decided to try again. Gradually,the taste transformed and the drink's taste 'opened up' or so to speak. It was sweet heaven, like a lover's first kiss. I started to appreciate this nonparie taste, savouring its elegance. It gave this familiar rush to my palates, something i've longed to feel for what seems like all eternity.

you're like the calamansi.
a culmination of grace and reticence.
a bittersweet memory

After reading 12 letters between my dad and my chinese teacher, i realised that he being in RI teaching a bunch of losers like us is really 大材小用. heres a sample of the most recent letter he sent me and my dad.

宁远学长台鉴：

政海翻腾，商场斗智，此古往今来之规律，东坡谓之为“春江水暖鸭先知”。回想晚清人物，岂非史鉴！为政者如李少荃（鸿章）、张香涛（之洞）翁常熟（同龢）、瞿鸿机等皆一时鸿儒；从商者如南通状元张謇、郑观应、唐廷枢、胡雪岩等皆一时俊彦，然纵观其一生，能宠辱不惊，进退自如者仅曾国藩一人耳。愚意以为曾氏之处世哲学虽历经百余年，仍是我辈之生活典范，故暇时还以读曾氏家书为乐。其于进退、应对之学，实孟子所谓深造自得矣！当年印公自香港赴台，不料却遭变相“羁留”，谁知却造就印公之伟大成就。福深信庄子所言，喜怒哀乐，不入胸次，虽此境界不易达，但愿与共勉之。

承您不弃，引为朋友，深感幸甚！福曾肄业于台湾国立师范大学国文系，后毕业于澳门东亚大学（今澳门大学）之文史系，获新加坡国立大学中文系硕士（论文为《汉溪书法通解研究》）。曾师事施香沱先生习书画篆刻，为先生晚年弟子。大材小用一语，愧不敢当！滥竽充数，为稻梁谋耳！此乃由衷之言，非虚矫也！肃此 敬颂

崇祺

弟

陈培福稽首

丙戌仲秋

附候：夫人尊前问好不另。

Gosh i tell you. I can barely make out what he is trying to say! I mean i know he is listing his credentials and something about the politcal turmoil of the Chinese empire or something like that. But its a whole world different from the Chinese i learn and USE! I think its really sad that he's stuck with a bunch of boys like us. He should be teaching in the university or something.

I know my dad's chinese is really good too. And i'm so ashamed i'm not even up to his standard. There are tons of chinese books all over the house and in his library, and i don't even know how to appreciate them.

培福学弟：

泰国政变，对我的情绪影响很大。思潮汹涌澎湃，久久未能平息。 很多朋友，一夜之间，被打入牛棚，变成牛鬼蛇神；又有一些朋友，无缘无故，平步青云，一觉醒来，飞上枝头，作了当劝派。 我感叹人言之可畏，从文化大革命到泰国政变，“欲加之罪，何患无词” 还是人整人颠扑不破的真理。毛泽东，周恩来之间的恩恩怨怨，塔信的崛起和倒台，以致众叛亲离，让我深深的感触到在商场，战场，官场上，真的没有朋友，也没有真情。成者为王，败者为寇，很使我有高处不胜寒的醒悟。 佛法说：苦海无边，回头是岸，可是还有多少人，宁愿浮沉于苦海中；是否要等到被淹没时，才能看到彼岸？？急流勇退，能退才是勇，但是又有几个人能作得到呢？ 由台北，到泰国，山雨欲来风满楼，是不是又逢风起云涌时？？此刻，能与您天南地北，无拘无束，不分职称，鱼雁往还，畅谈天下事，是很值得庆幸的。 想学弟您必有同感！

我几十年来最大的遗憾是没有在中四华文的基础上继续钻研国学。我也遗憾没有学书法。如今，学到用时方恨少。搞文物鉴定，尤其是书画的鉴定，绝对没有取巧的余地；国学和书法这两项基本功，一丝一毫都不可少。 我的鉴定水平，也因此而永远局限于门外。 为此，我最多是能以一个爱好者和收藏者 （万万不敢自称“家”）的身份来和您谈书画，否则是会闹笑话的。10月18-22日，中国嘉德拍卖行在星加坡举办今年秋拍的于展，颇有看头。主持人王雁南，是赵紫阳，赵总理的女儿，也是多年的老朋友。她来，我一定会请她吃饭，也看看些好东西。您一定要作陪。

据我直觉，单凭您的学识，似乎有大材小用之嫌？？方便时，是否能告知您的学历？


顺祝

教安。



宁远 谨启

2006年9月29日于灯下

It really is bleak reminder of their time and MY TIME and what i'm doing with my chinese education right now. But sometimes, you can't help it can you.

my mom has been reading my phone messages lately. this afternoon i had 3 unread messages before i showered. after that i had none.

size 28 levis

hey! why you carrying gabrielle, never carry me!



bleah.



i don't have teeth and you want me to eat chocs. EVIL



erm. am i supposed to smile?




BORRRREEEDDD



gabrielle and danielle visited today. and yes. they've grown so much.
danielle can walk already
gabrielle can speak chinese
danielle can say mommy and please already

i feel OLD.

zongxi said something interesting and cute yesterday, that was after i came back from my mini adventure from dreamland.

he said: you are evil man. you bring somebody else to go watch a show never bring me! how can like that!

i replied: jealous is it?

he said: YES

oh my. he's jealous! and well i can't blame him at all. forbidden city was a good show. and yes, it wasn't the only good thing either.

last night, images kept flashing in my head. and words that were said seemed like a romantic melody that just kept on playing. the wistful melancholy of life.

"haha today was a happy day, except seiyu was really crowded"
its weird but those words were enough to make my heart flutter and my stomach flip